This week has been like hell week. I am proud to say that of all the things I had to get done I have done most of them in a timely and satisfying period. Between NGOMA and Ivy Week...I've been running back and forth between supporting my Sorors and Dancing my heart out!
Im tired and all I wanna do is crawl into bed and read the April HARPERS. I finally got a few of them April mags....Im so behind but I've been so busy I haven't even had time to have my usualy montly Barnes and Noble trip with my homie Grace!
I kinda went off in my last blog but I hold true to everything I said. Everyone wants you to satisfy them first until they are full/done then you can use whatevers left for yourself. Im done with that kind of behavior. Im really all all alll about me these days and doing what I said/really want to do. I really need to go to bed but I've got tons of cleaning to do and an appointment with Joe Testanie at the Career Development Center in the AMthat I need to prepare for. I have to admit...Joe Testani could very well get it, I wouldn't mind making it my job to give it to him either! But you didn't read that here (smiles) I hope he helps me find a job b/c there has got to be more to life than the average job with the average pay and the average cubicle, and subsequently your whole being becomes average and average is the farthest thing from FABULOUS!
IM about to hit up the s
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Seems the closer I get to Graduation the more real life gets. Times are hard yall and I'm really just trying to maintain.
Last night I had a dream that my Mom called and told me that my Uncle had past away. He's been in the hospital for about 3 weeks now and I'm just getting to speak with him. He said he feels better than when he came in but he has no appetite therefore is not eating therefore feels weak. I remember hearing the words come out of my Moms mouth and crying in my dream. I was so upset I kinda woke up disturbed. I was glad to hear he was doing well though cause I really need him to be around. My Uncle takes care of my sister and my sister isn't in her best state either. She too is sick and really needs someone to be there with her. My Uncle is the type that says what's on his mind and tells the truth which many people cant take or refuse to take, so he's not at the top of the family totem pole. He's up there though, cause at the end of the day he's telling the truth weather you wanna believe or not. But you know how it is when you wanna do what you wanna do and don't want anybody telling you your not doing the right thing. I'm so glad he's doing better though and I hope that they let him come home soon cause I really would rather him be at home than in the hospital.
My family hasn't ever experienced death really and I don't know how I could take another death in my family. The other thing is I hate to make it so selfish. Its not really about how I could take another death or what effects it would have on me or any of that, cause the truth of the matter is the loss wouldn't be in if I couldn't graduate cause I needed time to get over it, or if anything else in my life went array because of a death. No the loss would be in loosing my uncle who has guided me and acted as a father in the absence of my own. Yeah yall this is when life gets real and all this shit about what to wear, or being too busy, or why I permed my hair, or whose mad at who, or how many hours I work, or whose dating who, who I'm dating or not dating, if so and so calls me back, and if my friend is upset over blah blah and blah.......... and whose drama is going on and which teacher is tripping, and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with so and so, and why the hell they gotta do things the way they do, and who I have to satisfy this time, and who thinks I'm a BITCH, and trying to be nicer and trying to be more approachable, and not cursing so much, and trying to be sensitive to people because EVERYBODY CANT TAKE MY ATTITUDE... and all that shit goes right out the damn window. And it pisses me the hell off to think that I let all that shit cloud my vision, distract me, or even become the slightest bit of important. That's the thing that I hate about college because its the farthest thing from real life. Its a fucking circle of lame ass people who don't have the gotdamn sense enough to know that life is much bigger than these issues and we all just have to walk around fronting like were the hottest shit on earth and cant have humility and compassion for one another...not just when were down but when were up too!!!! For every good person there's someone better!!!! We cant celebrate our individuality we have to gage ourselves on what everyone else is doin. This shit is so wack!!!!
The closer Graduation gets the more I see that life is real. Your real friends emerge and the ones that aint about shit become more and more hazy so that in the end you cant even find them when you remember them. The more I see how needy this environment makes us...how needy we are of each other and things and people and relationships to allow us to grasp some sort of identity and being. What do you have? Who do you know? What are you doing? What do I have? What do I know? Where am I going? All this tit for tat shit has got to go... I'm so tired of dealing with people who don't have an original thought in their damn minds. I mean... once we get out of here what the hell are you gonna do if you aint got nobody to bite/lean/depend/rely on???????? I know....your gonna find another group of people to validate yourself with. And I do it too... totally not exempt from this whole rant about weak ass minds cause I find my self in that same lame ass spot sometime.
The closer Graduation gets the more I see life is real... I had to do my loan exit interview for financial aid and I was like WTF????? I have a couple thousand dollars to pay back and that shit is about as real as real can get. Especially for a graduate who finally realizes that the glamorous life takes a good ten years to achieve! No matter who the hell your Momma and Daddy know or whose Law/Grad school you end up in! Please...cause your gonna be sitting in somebody's class SHOOK cause the SOCRATIC METHOD IS COMING FOR THAT ASS...and long gone are the days of BS'ing your way through a 50 min class only to repeat the things your teacher said to you in class just days earlier in the 5-7pg paper that you got an extension on cause you had too much other stuff to do.
The closer Graduation gets the more I see life is real cause this right to passage comes with rules that apply all along but don't get enforced until May 14,2006 or May 13, 2007 or May 11, 2008 ! Like saying I DON'T KNOW....People THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't know state your means of finding out!!! At some point you gotta take some responsibility and make a way of your own!!! Letting somebody else pick up the the pieces is no longer acceptable.
The closer Graduation gets the more I see life is real... so I feel like living it up because when you think about all the stuff I've been talking about, College is the only place that this foolishness can take place. When you get out there its hard work and catching a good time or a good laugh when you can....cause otherwise you got things to do and life to handle and ultimately A God to satisfy and many things much bigger than anything, anything, anything that's going on around campus.
Last night I had a dream that my Mom called and told me that my Uncle had past away. He's been in the hospital for about 3 weeks now and I'm just getting to speak with him. He said he feels better than when he came in but he has no appetite therefore is not eating therefore feels weak. I remember hearing the words come out of my Moms mouth and crying in my dream. I was so upset I kinda woke up disturbed. I was glad to hear he was doing well though cause I really need him to be around. My Uncle takes care of my sister and my sister isn't in her best state either. She too is sick and really needs someone to be there with her. My Uncle is the type that says what's on his mind and tells the truth which many people cant take or refuse to take, so he's not at the top of the family totem pole. He's up there though, cause at the end of the day he's telling the truth weather you wanna believe or not. But you know how it is when you wanna do what you wanna do and don't want anybody telling you your not doing the right thing. I'm so glad he's doing better though and I hope that they let him come home soon cause I really would rather him be at home than in the hospital.
My family hasn't ever experienced death really and I don't know how I could take another death in my family. The other thing is I hate to make it so selfish. Its not really about how I could take another death or what effects it would have on me or any of that, cause the truth of the matter is the loss wouldn't be in if I couldn't graduate cause I needed time to get over it, or if anything else in my life went array because of a death. No the loss would be in loosing my uncle who has guided me and acted as a father in the absence of my own. Yeah yall this is when life gets real and all this shit about what to wear, or being too busy, or why I permed my hair, or whose mad at who, or how many hours I work, or whose dating who, who I'm dating or not dating, if so and so calls me back, and if my friend is upset over blah blah and blah.......... and whose drama is going on and which teacher is tripping, and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with so and so, and why the hell they gotta do things the way they do, and who I have to satisfy this time, and who thinks I'm a BITCH, and trying to be nicer and trying to be more approachable, and not cursing so much, and trying to be sensitive to people because EVERYBODY CANT TAKE MY ATTITUDE... and all that shit goes right out the damn window. And it pisses me the hell off to think that I let all that shit cloud my vision, distract me, or even become the slightest bit of important. That's the thing that I hate about college because its the farthest thing from real life. Its a fucking circle of lame ass people who don't have the gotdamn sense enough to know that life is much bigger than these issues and we all just have to walk around fronting like were the hottest shit on earth and cant have humility and compassion for one another...not just when were down but when were up too!!!! For every good person there's someone better!!!! We cant celebrate our individuality we have to gage ourselves on what everyone else is doin. This shit is so wack!!!!
The closer Graduation gets the more I see that life is real. Your real friends emerge and the ones that aint about shit become more and more hazy so that in the end you cant even find them when you remember them. The more I see how needy this environment makes us...how needy we are of each other and things and people and relationships to allow us to grasp some sort of identity and being. What do you have? Who do you know? What are you doing? What do I have? What do I know? Where am I going? All this tit for tat shit has got to go... I'm so tired of dealing with people who don't have an original thought in their damn minds. I mean... once we get out of here what the hell are you gonna do if you aint got nobody to bite/lean/depend/rely on???????? I know....your gonna find another group of people to validate yourself with. And I do it too... totally not exempt from this whole rant about weak ass minds cause I find my self in that same lame ass spot sometime.
The closer Graduation gets the more I see life is real... I had to do my loan exit interview for financial aid and I was like WTF????? I have a couple thousand dollars to pay back and that shit is about as real as real can get. Especially for a graduate who finally realizes that the glamorous life takes a good ten years to achieve! No matter who the hell your Momma and Daddy know or whose Law/Grad school you end up in! Please...cause your gonna be sitting in somebody's class SHOOK cause the SOCRATIC METHOD IS COMING FOR THAT ASS...and long gone are the days of BS'ing your way through a 50 min class only to repeat the things your teacher said to you in class just days earlier in the 5-7pg paper that you got an extension on cause you had too much other stuff to do.
The closer Graduation gets the more I see life is real cause this right to passage comes with rules that apply all along but don't get enforced until May 14,2006 or May 13, 2007 or May 11, 2008 ! Like saying I DON'T KNOW....People THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't know state your means of finding out!!! At some point you gotta take some responsibility and make a way of your own!!! Letting somebody else pick up the the pieces is no longer acceptable.
The closer Graduation gets the more I see life is real... so I feel like living it up because when you think about all the stuff I've been talking about, College is the only place that this foolishness can take place. When you get out there its hard work and catching a good time or a good laugh when you can....cause otherwise you got things to do and life to handle and ultimately A God to satisfy and many things much bigger than anything, anything, anything that's going on around campus.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Spring Break Wrap Up....Glad thats over!
You've heard about her before but I had to dedicate this one to Sam. God....it we lived in Meideval times Sam would be a jesture or something... the girl is just funny all around. I still laugh out loud at some of the jokes she makes and Im soo sooo soooo sad that I cant remember them all. I miss my Sam and Erin and Krystal, and Erica and Shannon and especially Jos! They made school so much fun and so bareable.
Anyways, a visit from Sam was just what I needed after the hectice weekend I had. I worked Friday and Saturday and left Richmond very early on Sunday morning to go to Northern VA for my sisters burial. Emotianally Spent..... we spent the better part of Sunday at the Wake wich was hard seeing her. She looked grand as she always does and it was terribly upsetting to know that shes not gonna be around anymore. Her youngest daughter arrived and it was harder to have her in the room. I cant bare to think of what she will do without her Mom. She held up well though and I admired her strength for a 15 year old. I promised Wendy's Mom that I would visit her when I get up to New York. Shes a little old lady that lives in the Bronx and will make a joke at anyones expense. At lunch she leaned over to me and asked me if I had ever seen a Madea movie. I said yes and she said "Doesnt that lady behind us look just like her?" I almost fell out at this 70 year old women talking about people. She was great and I cant wait to get up there and have fun with her. We layed Wendy to rest and Im glad that everything went well and that she can rest in peace.
My sister kept dragging her noisy ass kids around and it was getting on my nerves. I love my niece and nephew but they need to get beatings much more often. They arent really BAD so to speak but they are just little and little kids belong at home until 7 years old.
I was so tired, actually, I am so tired.
I still have so much to do and Im not exactly recovered from the weekend. I hate school and I cannot waite to graduate. I applied for a few jobs and I have an interview coming up on Thursday so wish me luck!!!! Its a pretty good one that I would like to get actually so if all goes according to plan then I will be in the city by the end of May! Of course if thats what God has planned for me! but... we will see Im done with just about everything and cant wait to move on. All I wanna do is change my status on facebook from undergrad to Alumunus and put on my graduation dress(which I bought this past weekend....supercute!) walk across that stage and start packing up the U-Haule cause Im DONZO!!!!
Anyways, a visit from Sam was just what I needed after the hectice weekend I had. I worked Friday and Saturday and left Richmond very early on Sunday morning to go to Northern VA for my sisters burial. Emotianally Spent..... we spent the better part of Sunday at the Wake wich was hard seeing her. She looked grand as she always does and it was terribly upsetting to know that shes not gonna be around anymore. Her youngest daughter arrived and it was harder to have her in the room. I cant bare to think of what she will do without her Mom. She held up well though and I admired her strength for a 15 year old. I promised Wendy's Mom that I would visit her when I get up to New York. Shes a little old lady that lives in the Bronx and will make a joke at anyones expense. At lunch she leaned over to me and asked me if I had ever seen a Madea movie. I said yes and she said "Doesnt that lady behind us look just like her?" I almost fell out at this 70 year old women talking about people. She was great and I cant wait to get up there and have fun with her. We layed Wendy to rest and Im glad that everything went well and that she can rest in peace.
My sister kept dragging her noisy ass kids around and it was getting on my nerves. I love my niece and nephew but they need to get beatings much more often. They arent really BAD so to speak but they are just little and little kids belong at home until 7 years old.
I was so tired, actually, I am so tired.
I still have so much to do and Im not exactly recovered from the weekend. I hate school and I cannot waite to graduate. I applied for a few jobs and I have an interview coming up on Thursday so wish me luck!!!! Its a pretty good one that I would like to get actually so if all goes according to plan then I will be in the city by the end of May! Of course if thats what God has planned for me! but... we will see Im done with just about everything and cant wait to move on. All I wanna do is change my status on facebook from undergrad to Alumunus and put on my graduation dress(which I bought this past weekend....supercute!) walk across that stage and start packing up the U-Haule cause Im DONZO!!!!
Monday, March 06, 2006
Parents Just Dont Understand!
So today my Mom flipped out on me over a very very unimportant subject. She was in my dorm room chilling with me for a bit while we killed time before she took me to work. I told her before I opened the door
" This aint no museum so dont be lookin all around oggling at everything!"
It was about an hour and a half before she made it over to my bookcase wich has a bit of my dry food items. There beside the oatmeal and excess condiments was my bottle of Apple Smirnoff and a bottle of Long Island Ice Tea Pre-Mixed. She laughed it off and asked me why I had it. My reply was simple, I have a drink every now and again and IM 21 so I can do that!
Much later...at leaste 9 hours later, I get in the car to go home and she starts flipping out on me about being a drunk and acting like the campus drunkards that I always complain about. I must say that I was very much appauled! If you know anything about me you know that I am faarrrrrrr farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr from a drunk! I may have a drink when Im out at a club or out to dinner with my friends but never ever ever am I drunk, wasted, tipsy, out there, or even exhibiting the slightest bit of intoxication.
I was pissed off at the way she jumped to conclusions about my drinking habits by just seeing a conceled bottle of alchol, that hasent been touched since mid semester FIRST semester!!!! Not sitting on my cup coaster on my desk with the lid off, not turned over on the floor...no just closed and on the shelf up with all the bottles of water. With friends who drank(heavily) in high school, friends who started drinking their freshman year at The Row, and friends who now cant even handle one drink without starting to show signes of unrulyness, I am far from a hazard or anyone that she should be concerned with.
My take is....Im graduationg from The University of Richmond( and yes that may sound snobbish but shit...its a GREAT feat!), I am not pregnant, I work my ass off , and rely on her for very little yet, she still cant give me my props. Whats the deal???
Im sure this is simply some mood swing that she is suffering from but she went on to say that Im gonna learn, the million "Gotdamn" times she told me to wear my hat and gloves and a scarf are gonna come back around and Im gonna learn when Im in the windy streets of New York and that wind hits me!!!! ( I lauged, which fueld her fire, Be serious Ma' hat a gloves???)
Yeah Ma' Im gonna learn, Im gonna learn!!!
I love my Mom with all my heart but parents just dont understand!
Goshhhhhhhhhhhhh
" This aint no museum so dont be lookin all around oggling at everything!"
It was about an hour and a half before she made it over to my bookcase wich has a bit of my dry food items. There beside the oatmeal and excess condiments was my bottle of Apple Smirnoff and a bottle of Long Island Ice Tea Pre-Mixed. She laughed it off and asked me why I had it. My reply was simple, I have a drink every now and again and IM 21 so I can do that!
Much later...at leaste 9 hours later, I get in the car to go home and she starts flipping out on me about being a drunk and acting like the campus drunkards that I always complain about. I must say that I was very much appauled! If you know anything about me you know that I am faarrrrrrr farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr from a drunk! I may have a drink when Im out at a club or out to dinner with my friends but never ever ever am I drunk, wasted, tipsy, out there, or even exhibiting the slightest bit of intoxication.
I was pissed off at the way she jumped to conclusions about my drinking habits by just seeing a conceled bottle of alchol, that hasent been touched since mid semester FIRST semester!!!! Not sitting on my cup coaster on my desk with the lid off, not turned over on the floor...no just closed and on the shelf up with all the bottles of water. With friends who drank(heavily) in high school, friends who started drinking their freshman year at The Row, and friends who now cant even handle one drink without starting to show signes of unrulyness, I am far from a hazard or anyone that she should be concerned with.
My take is....Im graduationg from The University of Richmond( and yes that may sound snobbish but shit...its a GREAT feat!), I am not pregnant, I work my ass off , and rely on her for very little yet, she still cant give me my props. Whats the deal???
Im sure this is simply some mood swing that she is suffering from but she went on to say that Im gonna learn, the million "Gotdamn" times she told me to wear my hat and gloves and a scarf are gonna come back around and Im gonna learn when Im in the windy streets of New York and that wind hits me!!!! ( I lauged, which fueld her fire, Be serious Ma' hat a gloves???)
Yeah Ma' Im gonna learn, Im gonna learn!!!
I love my Mom with all my heart but parents just dont understand!
Goshhhhhhhhhhhhh
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Wendy Salaam
Today has been one of the most hectic days all semester. I worked from 12-5 and babysatt from 5:30-12. A full 12 hours of work, plus only being limited to breathing out of one nostral and wearing shoes that are sooo sooo cute but hurt sooo sooo much. I thought since they were flats and Enzo that they would be comfortable, but these feel like theyre from Payless! And I can only imagine what types of markes theyve put on my already not so attractive feet. Oh well...
On a much much more serious note, a member of my family has passed. The first for me in terms of being old enough to understand the emotional ramifications. Wendy Salaam, was the daughter of my sisters father and a beautiful and strong women to admire. My three older sisters know her much more than I do since they grew up with her daughter. I however was born subsequently and did not get to enjoy her in all her spledor half as much as they did. A women who never failed to send a christmas present to the often forgotten, slightly darker, addition to the Brown Girl Trio. For some a christmas present doesnt seem like much but in a family of four with one parent( a MOM who works her butt off for her children) a simple present means so much. Beyond being the first person in my family to pass for me, I feel worst...more like SHIT, for not appreciating this women for her kindness the way I should have. After years of presents and cards and well wishes this women this pass year rushed out on Christmas Eve to get me a present when I unexpedetly dropped by her home with my sister , and me being the silly little self diluted egomaniac has yet to send her a thankyou card for the gift she gave me. I even had the audacity to give it away before I had even thanked her for it. I feel like shit..... I hate to think that she has left this earth without knowing how grateful I am for her kindness. I only hope that my prayers go up and out to her as she goes up to heaven.
To think of how hard I am on my Sorors about making sure that they understand how serious this sisterhood thing is, proclaiming that I have this sisterhood thing down pack, when in reality I let one of my own BLOOD sisters slip by without telling her how much I love her and how much she means to me. I feel horrible. In my family there is no such thing as a half sister....Its blood all the way .
It sucks to have this be the realization that nobody is promised tomorrow. All those cliches about dont put off for tomorrow what you can do today are true, theyre not just clever statements for your parents to annoy you with.
Wendy, may you rest in peace, I love you
I might not have ever said it, I might not have ever shown it, but hopefully now you know it.
Peace Yall
On a much much more serious note, a member of my family has passed. The first for me in terms of being old enough to understand the emotional ramifications. Wendy Salaam, was the daughter of my sisters father and a beautiful and strong women to admire. My three older sisters know her much more than I do since they grew up with her daughter. I however was born subsequently and did not get to enjoy her in all her spledor half as much as they did. A women who never failed to send a christmas present to the often forgotten, slightly darker, addition to the Brown Girl Trio. For some a christmas present doesnt seem like much but in a family of four with one parent( a MOM who works her butt off for her children) a simple present means so much. Beyond being the first person in my family to pass for me, I feel worst...more like SHIT, for not appreciating this women for her kindness the way I should have. After years of presents and cards and well wishes this women this pass year rushed out on Christmas Eve to get me a present when I unexpedetly dropped by her home with my sister , and me being the silly little self diluted egomaniac has yet to send her a thankyou card for the gift she gave me. I even had the audacity to give it away before I had even thanked her for it. I feel like shit..... I hate to think that she has left this earth without knowing how grateful I am for her kindness. I only hope that my prayers go up and out to her as she goes up to heaven.
To think of how hard I am on my Sorors about making sure that they understand how serious this sisterhood thing is, proclaiming that I have this sisterhood thing down pack, when in reality I let one of my own BLOOD sisters slip by without telling her how much I love her and how much she means to me. I feel horrible. In my family there is no such thing as a half sister....Its blood all the way .
It sucks to have this be the realization that nobody is promised tomorrow. All those cliches about dont put off for tomorrow what you can do today are true, theyre not just clever statements for your parents to annoy you with.
Wendy, may you rest in peace, I love you
I might not have ever said it, I might not have ever shown it, but hopefully now you know it.
Peace Yall
Friday, March 03, 2006
Taking A Moment
Since spring break has officially begun, I thought I might take the time to write a few words. Im so glad to have the time to take for myself and to get some work done. Of course theres so much work to be done and one week isnt that much time but at least I dont have to go to classes. Just slanggin those khakis at the GAP and trying to develop an idea into a clothing line...thats what my breaks gonna be about. Hopefully, I'll be able to get up with friends that have crept off my radar for a moment but we will see.
THE S.Dot Clancy is due to visit the U of R next weekend and Im excited, cant wait to get back to the days of yester Rho Mu. I miss my 2005 graduates but Im ready to be a graduate myself. Senior year is the worst and best at the same time and I cant decide if I want to retreat to the comfort of my quint little dorm room or venture out into the oceanic spaces called the real world. I dont know....
Im sick...and it sucks, I think Im gonna shower, takes some meds and watch Wildin Out till I fall asleep. I work all day tomorrow.
Peace
THE S.Dot Clancy is due to visit the U of R next weekend and Im excited, cant wait to get back to the days of yester Rho Mu. I miss my 2005 graduates but Im ready to be a graduate myself. Senior year is the worst and best at the same time and I cant decide if I want to retreat to the comfort of my quint little dorm room or venture out into the oceanic spaces called the real world. I dont know....
Im sick...and it sucks, I think Im gonna shower, takes some meds and watch Wildin Out till I fall asleep. I work all day tomorrow.
Peace
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