Seems the closer I get to Graduation the more real life gets. Times are hard yall and I'm really just trying to maintain.

Last night I had a dream that my Mom called and told me that my Uncle had past away. He's been in the hospital for about 3 weeks now and I'm just getting to speak with him. He said he feels better than when he came in but he has no appetite therefore is not eating therefore feels weak. I remember hearing the words come out of my Moms mouth and crying in my dream. I was so upset I kinda woke up disturbed. I was glad to hear he was doing well though cause I really need him to be around. My Uncle takes care of my sister and my sister isn't in her best state either. She too is sick and really needs someone to be there with her. My Uncle is the type that says what's on his mind and tells the truth which many people cant take or refuse to take, so he's not at the top of the family totem pole. He's up there though, cause at the end of the day he's telling the truth weather you wanna believe or not. But you know how it is when you wanna do what you wanna do and don't want anybody telling you your not doing the right thing. I'm so glad he's doing better though and I hope that they let him come home soon cause I really would rather him be at home than in the hospital.

My family hasn't ever experienced death really and I don't know how I could take another death in my family. The other thing is I hate to make it so selfish. Its not really about how I could take another death or what effects it would have on me or any of that, cause the truth of the matter is the loss wouldn't be in if I couldn't graduate cause I needed time to get over it, or if anything else in my life went array because of a death. No the loss would be in loosing my uncle who has guided me and acted as a father in the absence of my own. Yeah yall this is when life gets real and all this shit about what to wear, or being too busy, or why I permed my hair, or whose mad at who, or how many hours I work, or whose dating who, who I'm dating or not dating, if so and so calls me back, and if my friend is upset over blah blah and blah.......... and whose drama is going on and which teacher is tripping, and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with so and so, and why the hell they gotta do things the way they do, and who I have to satisfy this time, and who thinks I'm a BITCH, and trying to be nicer and trying to be more approachable, and not cursing so much, and trying to be sensitive to people because EVERYBODY CANT TAKE MY ATTITUDE... and all that shit goes right out the damn window. And it pisses me the hell off to think that I let all that shit cloud my vision, distract me, or even become the slightest bit of important. That's the thing that I hate about college because its the farthest thing from real life. Its a fucking circle of lame ass people who don't have the gotdamn sense enough to know that life is much bigger than these issues and we all just have to walk around fronting like were the hottest shit on earth and cant have humility and compassion for one another...not just when were down but when were up too!!!! For every good person there's someone better!!!! We cant celebrate our individuality we have to gage ourselves on what everyone else is doin. This shit is so wack!!!!

The closer Graduation gets the more I see that life is real. Your real friends emerge and the ones that aint about shit become more and more hazy so that in the end you cant even find them when you remember them. The more I see how needy this environment makes us...how needy we are of each other and things and people and relationships to allow us to grasp some sort of identity and being. What do you have? Who do you know? What are you doing? What do I have? What do I know? Where am I going? All this tit for tat shit has got to go... I'm so tired of dealing with people who don't have an original thought in their damn minds. I mean... once we get out of here what the hell are you gonna do if you aint got nobody to bite/lean/depend/rely on???????? I know....your gonna find another group of people to validate yourself with. And I do it too... totally not exempt from this whole rant about weak ass minds cause I find my self in that same lame ass spot sometime.


The closer Graduation gets the more I see life is real... I had to do my loan exit interview for financial aid and I was like WTF????? I have a couple thousand dollars to pay back and that shit is about as real as real can get. Especially for a graduate who finally realizes that the glamorous life takes a good ten years to achieve! No matter who the hell your Momma and Daddy know or whose Law/Grad school you end up in! Please...cause your gonna be sitting in somebody's class SHOOK cause the SOCRATIC METHOD IS COMING FOR THAT ASS...and long gone are the days of BS'ing your way through a 50 min class only to repeat the things your teacher said to you in class just days earlier in the 5-7pg paper that you got an extension on cause you had too much other stuff to do.

The closer Graduation gets the more I see life is real cause this right to passage comes with rules that apply all along but don't get enforced until May 14,2006 or May 13, 2007 or May 11, 2008 ! Like saying I DON'T KNOW....People THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't know state your means of finding out!!! At some point you gotta take some responsibility and make a way of your own!!! Letting somebody else pick up the the pieces is no longer acceptable.


The closer Graduation gets the more I see life is real... so I feel like living it up because when you think about all the stuff I've been talking about, College is the only place that this foolishness can take place. When you get out there its hard work and catching a good time or a good laugh when you can....cause otherwise you got things to do and life to handle and ultimately A God to satisfy and many things much bigger than anything, anything, anything that's going on around campus.